waiting Archives - COME SO ALIVE

I saw a picture this spring that a pastor took in the silence of his church before the Easter service started, of spring flowers and stained-glass windows glowing in the sunrise. What I noticed most in that picture though was a space between – the dark, emptiness of the sanctuary between the flower and the window. A space of waiting, of peace and calm. A space to just sit and be.

Photo credit: Edward Goode, imagoscriptura.com

I guess that is what spoke to me because that’s where I have frequently found myself in the last several months. In the in-between space. In limbo. Not here or there. Not at the beauty of the flower or at the light breaking in at the window. But in that dark pew, just waiting.

To use a highfalutin term, I’ve found myself in a liminal space. Not in one space or another but between spaces. In waiting spaces. After Chuck’s stroke, I could see his ICU room window from our hotel and the other way around. But it took me ten minutes of walking to get from one to the other.

Walking, usually alone. In hallways. On elevators. In more hallways. I wasn’t in real spaces. Not where people live, where life happens. Not where I wanted to be. I wasn’t in the hospital room with Chuck nor in the hotel room with Cody. I was in no man’s land.

We learned in November that my husband likely had an issue that would require a second open-heart surgery. The doctor wanted to consult with a specialist about her tentative diagnosis and so we waited. Amid waiting for an answer and our growing anxiety of anticipating another open-heart surgery, an Instagram quote caught my eye from a podcast called Th e Place We Find Ourselves, which consisted of exactly 100 episodes.

“Well, in 100 days we will have an answer,” I thought.

I also had the thought that I should start a new Spotify playlist – and called it “100 Days.” I had tried to remember how I survived the wait before the first open-heart surgery and remembered that singing was how I battled the anxiety – so that would be how I would survive this wait too.

The doctor called a week after Chuck met with her (and the day I started the new playlist). She said the specialist was 99% certain of the diagnosis but needed better imaging.

So, we waited until the end of December when they could get him in for more imaging to determine if he in fact he had that issue. Then we waited until the middle of January for the pericardial specialty clinic to discuss his case, decide if they agreed with the initial diagnosis, and, if so, decide who his surgeon would be. Then we waited two more weeks for the scheduler to call to finally schedule surgery.

Finding breath and beauty amidst the storm

Tag: waiting

When the waiting ends, part 2

When the waiting ends, part 1