It is a gorgeous summer Sunday morning.  As I am lying in bed, I can see the wind whip through the leaves and how it changes the dappled sunshine across my sheets.

For this morning’s song, I find myself singing,

“What can separate you from my perfect love? Do not fear. Do not fear. Do not fear.”

“Nothing to fear,” The Porter’s Gate

And I’m envisioning sitting on God’s lap, Him singing that to me and rocking me to the tempo of the song, which feels like a waltz.

Because right now I need someone bigger than me to make it all better.

I also realized today my focus needs to be only on God. I have half of a Bible study video to finish watching before the free access ends today. Cody is sick so we’ll stay home and watch church online. No social media, no distractions, no online shopping.

I know that may sound preachy or legalistic. But I didn’t decide to do it because I am expected to – I decided to do it because I need to.

In the last five years I’ve been diagnosed with a third autoimmune disorder and have tried three different medications each with varying side effects. Yet my daily joint pain has increased.  Then a year ago I developed vestibular migraines – pain, vertigo, dizziness, and nausea.  And have had one or all of those every day since then.

As a family, we learned in 2017 that my son’s 2016 MRI was misread and, consequently, his epilepsy was misdiagnosed. We learned he would never outgrow epilepsy like they had originally assumed.  He would never get off medications. And he would likely need brain surgery at some point to prevent further damage from continuing seizures. In 2018, his doctor told us we needed to start brain surgery assessments.

Also in 2017, my husband learned he had a genetic issue causing the problem with his heart.  Actually, what the doctor said was,

“This is likely what is killing your family members.”

Just over one year later, a doctor told him he needed to meet with a surgeon to discuss open-heart surgery due to the condition worsening. Last fall, he was told by another doctor he likely needed yet another open-heart surgery. After which, he had a stroke.

Yes, enjoying some Sunday morning sunshine in bed and then a quiet day with God is what I need.

We don’t find time to pause and rest anymore, do we? A friend commented just yesterday,

“We have all of this camping stuff. We just don’t take the time to use it.”

I realize many people don’t have Monday-Friday, 9-5 jobs anymore. We have long hours. Travel for work. Many people have multiple jobs and are still barely making a living. Because our society expects that, promotes it even. If you aren’t busy, you aren’t a productive member of society. You don’t have worth.

But as a Christian, my worth isn’t based on my busyness. My worth as a human is simply that I’m God’s beloved creation. Do you love spending time with someone – a child, spouse, family member, neighbor, friend? I’m all of those rolled into one for God and He LOVES spending time with me.

And I heal and am refreshed when I spend time with him.

My soul could use some healing after the last five years.

What if more and more of us decided we just can’t live like the rest of our society anymore…or at least can’t live abundantly.

As much as I would love more income, a better house, newer cars, even healthier bodies for my family…an easier life…as much as I long for those things, even ask God why I don’t have them, that’s not what Jesus is offering in John 10:10 when He says,

“The thief comes only to kill and steal and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

Abundant life is spending it with God.

Talking to Him. Singing with Him (Zeph 3:17). Walking through the garden with Him (Gen 3:8). Hearing His still small voice behind me saying this is the way, walk in it (1 Ki 19:12, Is 30:21).

Or being still while He makes a way ahead of me. (Ex 14:14)

Stopping living “busy” and living filled instead. Then going out into the world to share all we have from Him with others.

But I’m feeling dry and brittle on the outside and empty on the inside. I don’t have much to give others this way. So today I need to rest. Sitting in the sunshine on God’s lap and letting Him rock me like the beloved child I am.