Safety Net

I recently discovered that I don’t like safety nets. Here’s why: if I need one, it means I’ve fallen.

We learned in February that my husband’s employer decided to terminate him while on medical leave, when they gave him a 2-week notice (yes, it was technically legal). The earth dropped out from beneath me in an instant, and I lost my breath as I fell… hard.

How would we pay for our son’s very expensive epilepsy meds without health insurance?! Without the special exception I had worked for over a month to get on one of them in particular?

I cried for days trying to grasp what had just happened.

Two years ago, we had to mourn the new reality of my husband’s massive stroke. This year, we had to accept he just can’t work because of the stroke impairments. At least, we thought, we had the safety net of continued employer health insurance while on disability, for all of our health needs. For our son’s epilepsy meds.

But to have that pulled out from under us too?

For a week, I couldn’t sleep, with a continuous loop in my brain all night long of the things I needed to do but no idea where to start when daylight came. No ability to jumpstart a brain frozen with terror.

Several friends and resources kindly held me up and counseled, “Just take a step. Just do one thing to move forward.”

So I applied online to our state’s health insurance exchange site, just to start looking for options. My husband and I qualified for a plan but my son was denied – because he was automatically enrolled in Medicaid instead.

We also heard from several people, “You’ve paid taxes for decades – use every resource you can that is available to you now.”

I discovered one other thing recently: it’s easy to say that when you aren’t the one presenting the Medicaid card at the pharmacy or clinic. It’s harder – much harder, it turns out – to be the one holding that card and giving it to the pharmacist.

I was shocked at the shame, guilt, and embarrassment I felt the first time I used it. The sense of wanting to explain our situation and justify why I needed to use Medicaid.

After another multi-week battle, Medicaid approved covering the epilepsy meds. (Yes, he has in fact failed multiple other meds. Yes, the dual-fellowship-trained epileptologist does actually know what she’s doing…sorry, little snark oozing out there…).

We found a safety net again, one I’m still embarrassed to use. But one which I’m very grateful to have.