I’m swept up in a story that I don’t want to miss
So I will rise up for such a time as this
FAITHFUL, “Rise Up“
I was swept up in a story I had no interest being part of seven years ago and, as I wrote last week, it’s been a rollercoaster ride with lots of ups and downs. But surprisingly, there have actually been some “ups.”
One of the ups of the ride has been hosting a fundraising concert for the last three years. Normally, we don’t attend evening activities because Cody has an early bedtime and we do not mess with it. But when it’s our concert to plan? We scheduled it earlier in the evening, from 6-8 pm so Cody could attend the whole thing and still get home close to his normal bedtime.
But even that was stressful, because it’s still later than he usually goes to bed. Factor in two years of planning amidst the unknown of what a concert looks like and having to adjust due to covid, and planning this year’s concert wasn’t fun for me – it was actually nightmare inducing. I can’t tell you the number of things I dreamt about that went wrong!
Once I realized my stress was actually about not getting Cody to bed at his normal time, I decided this would be our last concert. I even talked to my therapist about my anxiety and being done after this year. But instead of supporting me, she had the gall to say,
“What if GOD isn’t done with the fundraiser? What if it gets even bigger?”
“But I can’t keep doing this. It’s too stressful with epilepsy and too much work!”
“Then you need to find more people to help you.”
Sigh…
The night of our concert this summer, I worked the “merch” table (merchandise, for those of you who aren’t under 30) and was flooded with people! A friend even came behind the table when she saw the line. “I want to help. What can I do?” Her daughter then came behind the table and said, “I want to help too!”
The next day another friend who attended texted me, apologizing for not saying goodbye because I had looked too busy at the merch table. I offhandedly said I needed to find someone to help me next year and she said, “I’ll help!”
You need to find more people to help you.
Hhmmm… ok, but I’m not doing another evening concert. It has to be a Sunday afternoon from 3-5 p.m. (I thought to myself but maybe to God too).
I found five Sundays in 2022 that would work for us, one of them being Sunday, October 23rd . . . the date of Cody’s diagnosis fell on a Sunday! It is the Sunday of MEA weekend, however (a school break that means a 4-day weekend and travel for many MN families). I wanted that date but wasn’t sure it would work for others to help out. I gave the church the five dates and took it off my to-do list.
The Wednesday after Labor Day, the church emailed, “Let’s plan October 23rd.” Huh.
I emailed the booking assistant on Thursday with the date the church wanted, knowing that it may not work for the singer and telling her I could propose other dates if needed. On Friday she called me to say he had approved the date.
Wait. I just scheduled a concert in THREE days? And it’s the date of Cody’s diagnosis? That was too easy.
That felt like God.
What if God isn’t done with the fundraiser?
After seven years, we aren’t done with the rollercoaster, but, man, do I want to get off! That’s not the way this ride works though, this particular diagnosis of epilepsy. Not that I don’t believe God could do it. I am absolutely certain he could cure Cody tonight and there would be no more seizures. I also know, at least for right now, that’s not what He’s going to do. And I also know, for right now, that He can use it for others.
If Cody were healed tomorrow, it would be amazing! We’d celebrate. Friends and relatives would celebrate with us. And then they’d go back to their normal lives and our three lives – mine, Chuck’s, and Cody’s – would be changed.
But if Cody still has epilepsy and we let God use it? He can touch hundreds of people through it. He already has. We’ve hosted 300 people at in-person concerts and had another 1000 views (which could have been multiple people) for our virtual concert. He can raise awareness and money to help the next family who just found themselves on this rollercoaster.
I’m not happy Cody has epilepsy. But I am grateful at how it has been used.
I am grateful to God for riding seven years of the epilepsy rollercoaster with me. I am grateful that He picks me up again and again as the ride drops out from under me. I am grateful that He has reclaimed October 23rd through a fundraising concert next year.
Sorrow and joy.
Mourning and dancing.
I will still be sad on October 23, 2021, as the rollercoaster dips in a drop I never expected. One I didn’t think I could withstand.
At the same time, I hear God saying,
“Look beyond this October, Carrie. It’s just another date. Look forward to next October 23rd, to what we can do together through that concert.”
And all I can say is,
“Ok, God.”
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
Rumi, “Spring Giddiness”
and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
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