Overwhelmed by fear

“I never have to write a paper again!  Woo-hoo.”  I randomly thought this one day while driving, shortly before Cody’s diagnosis. Then I wondered, “Why did I think that?  I finished grad school seven years ago; of course, I am done writing papers.” 

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “I don’t want to do that or be that!”?  I have a friend who said she would never be a pastor, never get married, never have kids.  Guess what?  Check, check, check.  But what if that thing you are refusing to do is the exact thing that you are supposed to do?  A small part of you heard God whisper it in the back of your head and your human heart is responding by saying, “Uh-uh, I’m not gonna do it!”  Mine was “write a book.”  “Uh-uh, I am never writing AGAIN!”  A few weeks later, the idea returned, a little louder, and this time I realized it was not a random thought. 

So, I started writing a “paper” as my 4-year-old son went from having unexplained seizures to being diagnosed with epilepsy. As we lived through more than a month of tests and doctors, I began writing about God – while overwhelmed by fear for my son.

Overwhelming fear

Despite being done with formal education, I still love learning.  I had discovered several years before epilepsy that I loved Bible studies.  The summer before epilepsy struck, I completed Children of the Day by Beth Moore with some friends.  Among other things, I learned that I am a teacher, which I probably knew but just needed a reminder.

If you’re a teacher, you won’t stop studying except to share what you’ve learned.

Beth Moore, Children of the Day

I love to share knowledge, to share the excitement that I have for knowledge, regardless of the subject.  In 4th grade, I tried teaching my brother multiplication; he was in 1st grade…and just learning addition.  But I thought he had to learn multiplication!  Why waste your time on addition when multiplication was so cool?! 

In high school, I was a teacher’s aide to a second-grade class, and a friend and I taught nursery Sunday school.  Later, in college, I was a teaching assistant leading Friday morning small groups and a tutor.  In my first job after college at a county historical society, I had the opportunity to teach elementary school field trip groups about rocks and archaeological finds from our county.

The fall that Cody was diagnosed, I facilitated a Wednesday night Bible study group and was so geeky about it that I bought The Archaeological Study Bible to read in conjunction with the Bible study on Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (have I mentioned that I wanted to be an archaeologist?).

I have spent years now writing a “paper” about my often-overwhelming fears.  During that time, I have been angry at God, felt lost and forgotten, and even questioned if He exists.  Please know I don’t say this lightly: God has overwhelmed it all.

With peace, joy, and awe.  Even with laughter.

I still love sharing knowledge. 

Here is something worth sharing: 

When fear tries to overwhelm you, be overwhelmed by God.

I see the work of Your hands
Galaxies spin in a heavenly dance, oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming

lightning over the mountains
Photo by Micah Tindell on Unsplash

I hear the sound of Your voice
All at once it’s a gentle and thundering noise, oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming

I delight myself in You
Captivated by Your beauty
I’m overwhelmed
I’m overwhelmed by You

Big Daddy Weave, “Overwhelmed”