When the stars shine brightly

I learned that I stress shop.  I learned the hard way by stress shopping and then realizing what I did.  Cody went ten months from a febrile seizure and a middle of the night ER visit until his second seizure.  Then he went four months from the second seizure to a third one and an epilepsy diagnosis.  At that point, we decided not to start daily medication for seizures that occurred only a few times a year.

Ten days later Cody had another seizure.  And my brain was in a fog all day as if the electrical storm had been in my head too.  I sat in my bathrobe and listened to the same song – all morning.  I replayed and replayed and replayed it.  When my brain wouldn’t work and I couldn’t do anything else, I tried to praise.  I thought, “I can sing.”  Loudly.  Off key.  Crying.

Stress shopping in the darkness

Then I started stress shopping.

Searching for something tangible to give me strength.  To give me joy.  Really, to give me distraction.

I’m so embarrassed to share this…but I said I would be honest here so… According to my Etsy account, I bought 2 pair of earrings, 2 necklaces, and a bracelet in 11 short (and, at the same time, really, really long) days. 

None of it was expensive, fine jewelry, and the bracelet at least had a Bible verse stamped on it – so I wasn’t focused solely on material things (I can tell myself). Stamped on the bracelet was “Psalm 59:16” which reads,

But I will sing of Your strength
and will joyfully proclaim
Your faithful love in the morning.
For You have been a stronghold for me,
a refuge in my day of trouble.

One pair of earrings were small silver stars.  I don’t even remember why I thought I needed those, if there even was a reason.

But I do remember that the first day I wore them, I felt foolish, wondering if they weren’t just a little too young for a 41-year-old mom.  I had the thought, though, that maybe it’s a reminder to be a light.  After all, what is a star but light in the darkness. 

A pinprick of light

People study stars and stay up late to watch them.  They are a minute amount of light in a huge sea of darkness, and, yet, we are drawn to them, fascinated by them.  I reminded myself I do not need to be a large amount of light.  I can be just a dot, just a flicker, a pinprick of light – and, in this dark world, it is noticeable.  That is all it takes. It is all that’s needed; it’s all that God asks me to do.  Bring my light into the darkest night and it will be seen.

Later on that first day that I wore the earrings, I went to vote on some school issues.  As I walked toward the building, I grumbled to myself about the council choices (almost all incumbents) and the proposed new levy increase (400%!).  I had been grumbling for days about a privacy statement change that seemed sneaky.  I had previously tried to talk to two people in the district to ask for some clarification and was completely ignored.  Since I was going into a school building, I thought about stopping in the district office to complain…to someone. 

Then I wondered why it’s so much easier to walk around with a scowl on my face than a smile.  Why is it easier to let my heart be heavy and leaden and spend my days grumbling?

I entered the building and managed to walk past the unsuspecting staff in the school office.  As I did, I thought,

“I’m wearing star earrings.  Be a light, Carrie.”

“But it is so exhausting, God, being nice to these people!”

Then I thought,

“Hhmmm.  People like me?”

I am either dragging people down to my black heaviness…or I am a pinprick of light. 

Wear the star earrings, Carrie.