Remembering our stories

Starting a new blog is weird.  It’s more than a little odd to think I may be the only person reading what I’m writing.  But maybe that’s exactly the point.  To go back into my story and, quite frankly, discover it.  Remember it.  To put pieces together that I missed in the moment.  Because in the moment I was too stunned, too scared, too angry to see all the beautiful, amazing moving parts that God was putting into place.

Margaret Feinberg writes about having a word of the year, a word that will speak to you all year long.  I was just reading the introduction to a book about mindfulness and read, “The English translation of mindfulness . . . means ‘bare attention’ or ‘remembering.’”  And I realized that’s my word for the year:

Why we remember

That’s what a gratitude journal is.  It’s remembering in the moment, because even by the next day, I can have forgotten so much.  Or maybe more accurately, I missed it entirely because I wasn’t even paying attention to it.

Now, however, my gratitude journal helps me remember minute details that, even if I was paying attention at the time, I have since forgotten.  So many bleary days in the beginning of epilepsy.

Then I also thought that remembering is how we heal. 

“My own pain in life has taught me that the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a step toward it.”

Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

Yet we spend so much time being busy, just trying to survive, that maybe taking a step toward the pain isn’t even possible.  Who will cook or clean or do the laundry?  What about the doctor appointments and prescriptions to pick up and medical bills to pay?  The exhaustion after the “shoulds” of the day are done and you just need sleep.  We can’t move toward the pain when we are struggling to just stay standing for one more day.

But then the stress, grief, and trauma never get looked at.  The pain never goes away; it just settles into your gut or your heart or your head.  It causes anxiety and depression and disconnection from others.

So to heal, we need to remember.

How we remember

I don’t mean wallow in it.  Don’t pick at the scabs or the scars.  I mean write about it and feel now what I wasn’t able to feel in the moment.  Talk to my counselor about it so it no longer pricks me unexpectedly.  Remember it so I am aware of where it lurks within me so it doesn’t have power anymore. 

Maybe most importantly, remember with God.  Remember how He got me through in the past.  Remember what I’ve been told about myself in the past, by others or even by myself, and turn that over to God so I can finally hear the truth about myself – who God says I am. Things like:

“[I] will sing for joy because of you.” Zephaniah 3:17

“I have called you by your name; you are Mine.” Isaiah 43:1

“you are precious in My sight and honored, and I love you” Isaiah 43:4

Remembering my story

I have had 2/3 of a book written for quite a while now, but haven’t been able to finish it because that would mean going back into the story to flesh out certain sections…and it makes me a little nauseous to think about doing that.  So I avoided the pain – until I heard “write a blog.”  Now I have to remember every week.  And I’m still putting off going too in depth into my gratitude journal. 

Recently, I was paging through it and getting anxious the closer I got to the day Cody was diagnosed – because I know what’s coming that the person who was writing it back then was utterly clueless about.  It’s like watching a horror film: “Don’t go in there alone!”  But I need to go in there.  And the very fact that I am having such a hard time doing it is probably a good indicator that it’s exactly what I need to do.

The whole time I was debating and then setting up Come So Alive, I said I would write for that one person who needed to hear something I had to say – and maybe I’m that one person.  Maybe this is how I fully heal – by fully remembering.

The essence of life is in remembering God.

Kabir