Confession:  I’m not really a morning person.  I don’t hate mornings and I don’t sleep in late, but I’m not terribly interested in getting up nice and early to catch the sunrise either. 

Once Cody’s seizures started, all while he was asleep, I didn’t sleep…  I would sort of sleep but the slightest noise woke me up.  Needless to say, mornings became even rougher.

Starting about seven years ago, I decided to write down at least one thing each day for which I could be grateful.  Some days gratitude has been easier than others.

For example, a few months after Cody’s epilepsy diagnosis and a few weeks after his doctor started him on medication that caused “roid rage” type behavior, I had to really stretch to find something to write in my gratitude journal:

Thank you for self-control on a day with lots of little (and frequent!) annoyances and larger fears (ie SUDEP [Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy]).

The next day wasn’t much better:

On a day with lots more annoyances (rxs, cell phone) and not feeling calm, thank you for helping me mostly keep it in control and for giving me a fresh start tomorrow.

Yes, I actually underlined each individual word – if I could have written in bold, I probably would have.

And, let’s just say “tomorrow” didn’t feel like a fresh start when it came. 

On the morning of that third day, before I was even out of bed, the heavy storm clouds swirled around my head and blocked out all light.  I don’t know if that night’s sleep had been worse than usual; I do know Cody didn’t have a seizure so that wasn’t what had me so depressed.  But I was stuck in my head and it was a very dark and angry place that morning. 

I had no more strength to deal with my days.  I was tired; I was angry at what God was allowing in my life. I had had enough.

I couldn’t even find the strength to talk to God that day so I just played the local Christian radio station, KTIS. I turned it on in three rooms upstairs so I heard it no matter where I went – all day long.  And at some point, I realized I did have strength to keep moving that day.  Cody and I even danced to the songs several times, which he LOVED! 

I don’t really understand it but what I realized that day was God’s always there.  I knew I needed Him; I just didn’t have the strength to do more than think that.  I didn’t have the strength to even reach out for His hand that day.  But you know what?  He did.  He reached down to ME. 

“He reached down from heaven and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters.” 

Psalm 18:16

God has never deserted me, even when I have been mad at Him.  But being exhausted, even being mad at God isn’t the same as deciding I don’t trust Him or that I don’t want a relationship with Him.  If I had left the radio off that day in anger and withdrawal from God, I would have stayed stuck in my own dark thinking. I would have missed His hand and the strength that He was offering me.

On those days when I just can’t do any more, I try to remember that He can.  He can give me whatever I need to keep going, to get through just one more day.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Matthew 11:30 The Message